Make the Choice You’ll Be Most Proud Of: How I fell in Love with the Open Water

"We all have a burning desire to thrive in life... The difference is between those who acknowledge the flames and set their world on fire with passion, and those who fear the flames and keep them contained so that they don't disrupt the world. Which are you surrounding yourself with? And more importantly, which are you?" -Chelsea Marie Neal

I always loved swimming. I started taking swimming lessons at an early age, and I’ve loved being in the water for as long as I can remember. We had a boat growing up and went on regular trips to the ocean - I never feared the water. 

My Ironman journey started in the pool. I was at the gym swimming with my Dad, and asked him how many laps I would have to swim to complete a half Ironman swim distance. We did the math, and I had already swam the distance, plus some. By now I had already completed 4-5 sprint triathlons, so the gears in my mind started turning as I started pondering the possibilities. The next day, I asked my dad, “Hey Dad, you’re doing Ironman Waco 70.3, right?” He responded yes and I said “cool, I just signed up.” He must have been shocked. I think he remembers that day better than I do. I’ve always jumped into things head first, so I hit the register button before I could talk myself out of it. 

I had the swimming part down, and I just needed to get better at the bike and running. Or so I thought. I could swim laps in a pool all day, but now it was time for my first open water swim in the lake. No big deal, right? WRONG! 

My first open water swim was in April of 2018. I purchased my first wetsuit, and met a group for a early Saturday morning swim. The first few minutes they were giving tips on sighting but I was just eager to get in the water and go. I was ready! But as soon as we took off, I got kicked in the ribs. I sucked in water through my mouth and my nose, and was swimming all over the place. I was gasping for breathe and my heart felt like it was going to explode. I found a buoy and held on for my life. A man in a kayak came by and asked if I was okay. “How embarrassing,” I thought. My Dad tried to help, but I was so frustrated that I just wanted out of the water. I was freezing, couldn’t breathe, and my ribs were so tender. I made it to the shore and climbed out of the water feeling so defeated. “What have I done? What have I gotten myself into? I can’t do this. This was supposed to be my strength and I could hardly make it a full lap.” 

I was supposed to go for a bike ride after the open water swim, but I felt so defeated. I told my Dad I was going home. He didn’t say anything, but I felt immediate disappointment even in the silence. I got in my car, but couldn’t go anywhere. I started having a full blown anxiety attack - I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stop crying. It was an awful feeling. I just wanted to give up and go home and forget this stupid Ironman race.  

At that moment, I pulled down my mirror and looked at myself. I said OUT LOUD, “SO, are you going to quit? You have two options right now. If you go home, you’ve let your anxiety win - AGAIN. You will feel shame and regret that you gave up and didn’t keep fighting. But if you keep going, then you win. It’s YOUR turn to win. For so many years you’ve rolled over and let your fear eat you up. But you’re stronger than that. This is YOUR moment to fight back, and WIN. So what are you going to do?”

At that moment, I was fired up. I’m not sure exactly what I felt, whether it was anger or determination or both. I thought of all the years my anxiety won, all the years it controlled me. And it made me so enraged because nothing that made me feel so small deserved that kind of power over me. This was MY moment and nothing was going to take that from me. I wiped my tears and put my car into drive and showed up at the bike ride. My Dad lit up as I pulled up. He fully expected me to quit and go home. I fully expected that outcome too. 

From that point on, I had a different relationship with fear. I no longer saw it as paralyzing, but simply recognized it as a challenge. I didn’t always win, but the difference now was that I never allowed myself to be defeated. I would fall, but I would get back up. I would freak out in the water, but I would keep going. I would hear “ I can’t I can’t I can’t” but would fight back with “YES YOU CAN.” 

I didn’t realize at the time, but this would be the very first time in my life that I would consciously alter my state of mind to overcome fear. It would also create one of the many mental building blocks that would lay the foundation for my Ironman Journey. 

"When you FEAR your struggles, your struggles CONSUME you. When you FACE your struggles, you OVERCOME them."